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22.06.2025
The Fink

JD Vance seems to look more and more like an inbred hillbilly as the days progress. Those beady little glazed over eyes that are way too close together. That 1,000 yard stare into the abyss that is clearly his moral compass. That stupid millennial knuckle-dragger weirdy trimmed beardy that sits on his face like a cancerous growth feeding off his inadequate brain. All that's missing is a bottle of milk mixed with methylated spirits obscured by a brown paper bag ...and the stench of stale urine.
 

21.06.2025
Donald Turd's Simulated Reality

Holy shit, it's only been 5 months since that big bloated orange turd was inaugurated and already I'm sick of looking at its greasy fat lardy face on TV every time I switch it on - talking out of its arse, bullshitting its way through the presidency and acting like a big spoilt baby by keeping everybody guessing about plans it clearly does not have. It's times like these where simulated reality theory makes perfect sense. It's just too weird to be true. Even its name is stupid as fuck.
 

21.05.2025
Call It What It Really Is

"We must call this what it is," remarked UK foreign secretary David Lammy regarding the atrocities being committed by Israel in Gaza. He went on, "It is extremism. It is dangerous. It is repellent. It is monstrous and I condemn it in the strongest possible terms."

How about "Genocide" Lammy? Where the fuck is that word? How about actually calling this what it really is instead of skipping around reality?

All this kowtowing to Israel really boils my piss. People - women and children in particular - are being bombed, slaughtered and starved to death. Sure, it's extremism and dangerous - not only to Gazans but to the stability of the entire planet. Repellent and monstrous? Can't argue there Lammy. It's also a goddamned genocide which you've watched take place over the past 18 months whilst doing fuck all about it.

Spare me your fear of being called antisemitic. If the definition of antisemitism has changed to include people not okay with genocide, then fuck it, I'm an antisemite. I tell you what I also am: fucking ashamed to be living in a country whose politicians are clearly subjugated by the Israeli lobby to such a degree that fascist atrocities are swept under the carpet.
 

28.04.2025
Geriatric X - Memoirs Of A Subversive

I'm working on a new book. Initially the title Geriatric X was dreamt up a few years ago when I had the plan to write a novel, but after having started the project I soon gave up on it having discovered that I utterly hate writing fiction.

Fast-forward to just a few days ago and having just finished proof reading a book about Bill Hicks by my comedian friend James Inman, I felt sufficiently inspired to begin working on another project.

Given that I already had a working title and cover design, I figured what the hell, I might as well modify it slightly and use what I have - after all I might be a geriatric by the time I finish writing it.

Hopefully, however, it won't take that long and I'll have it completed by the end of the year (well, that's the plan anyway). Basically, it's gonna be an autobiographical work and whilst many of you might be questioning why my story is relevant, this snippet from my introduction I think sums up my thoughts on the matter:

"So, who the hell am I to write my 'Memoirs'? Shit, I'm nobody famous, my life is no more interesting than anybody else's - at least, I don't think it is. Have I accomplished something extraordinary? No. Did I do something charitable to help the future of humanity? Absolutely not, I actually fucking hate people. Did I acquire some great spiritual epiphany and now feel obliged to share it with the world? Nope, I'm just some guy that is here just as perplexed and confused as the rest of you.

"So what's the deal, Mortimer? Why are you writing this book?

"If you take the time to speak to just about anybody, they've usually got something of value to convey, some nugget of wisdom, a funny tale or two to tell, a unique way of looking at the world that you would never have arrived at on your own accord. Granted, not everyone fits into this category as some people are just dull as dishwater, but most folks have at least experienced something of interest in their otherwise monotonous drudgery of an existence and it's a shame, I feel, that they don't share it.

"Besides, why do memoirs have to be produced by famous people anyway? I mean, Geri Halliwell has written an autobiography and I couldn't give a flying fuck about anything she has got to say or has done in her life. Then there's new atheist Sam Harris who has written a shit tone of books, and he's an out and out misguided bore with an agenda for sucking the joy and intrigue out of everything (not to mention a pro-Zionist Islamophobic racist).

"No, if being famous is the criteria for writing a memoir, autobiography or any other kind of book for that matter, then I'm afraid your fame doesn't make you any more relevant than anyone else."
 

24.04.2025
BBC News And The Genocidal Jews

Sitting at the bar of my local boozer this afternoon, the barman decides to flip on the tube...

"Let's put on BBC News. Whaddya think it'll be? Trump? The Dead Pope? Zelenskyy?" He queried.

"We should take bets on it." I replied.

Tube goes on, holy fuck it's all three! Main feature: Trump. Side feature: Dead Pope. News ticker bottom feature: Zelenskyy fluctuating with some horseshit about Harry & Meghan.

Top work, BBC. The usual bullshit. Anything except Genocidal Jews. Well worth the licence fee that I've never paid for in my life.
 

23.04.2025
The Joe Rogan Invariance

What a fucking knuckle dragger Joe Rogan is. Out of the last one hundred podcasts he's released, he's had a woman on three times. The rest have included his usual misogynistic selection of unfunny comics, Neo-Nazis, Zio-Nazis, corrupt billionaires and deranged lunatic conspiracy theorists.

Here's a list of some particularly retarded fuckwits from the last one hundred episodes: Bret Weinstein (spelt the same way as Harvey Weinstein, so why is he pronouncing it differently?), JD Vance (numbnut weirdy-trimmed-beardy hillbilly vice president), Gad Saad (pretend intellectual and cheerleader for genocide), Mark Zuckerberg (faulty A.I. skinjob), Jordan Peterson (compulsive Canadian room tidier), Bert Kreischer (a fucking heart attack waiting to happen), Elon Musk (richest parasite on the spectrum), Mike Baker (Joe's most regular guest and CIA handler), Lex Fridman (monotonous monotone mumbler), and the King of all the Imbeciles, Donald J. Trump.

Fuck me, how is this the most popular podcast on the planet? What a crock of utter shit to be wasting your time on. Hours and hours and hours and hours of utterly mindless drivel interspaced with adverts for products that you'd have to be out your goddamned mind to buy.

Everything about Joe Rogan stinks of shit. A stocky little unfunny dwarf with a fat belly, bald head and a bunch of piss poor, spur of the moment tattoos on the kind of muscly arms you see on other podgy little fat men hanging off weight machines at the local gym.

Welcome, gentlemen and gentlemen, to the Ineffectual Crap Web.
 

21.04.2025
JD Vance Kills Pope

See, this is what happens when you meet JD Vance. He sucks the fucking life right out of you.
 

18.04.2025
In The News: Transgender Blues Or Nazi Jews?

Whilst the BBC could report on something important like the live streamed genocide of an entire indigenous population by a bunch of smug, privileged, settler-colonial land thieves, instead it decided yesterday to focus on the real main issue of the day which was: The Supreme Court's legal definition of what a women is. How much fucking tax payers' money did this horseshit cost? Do we really need a court ruling to define the goddamned obvious? Here's how you figure out what a women is: Ready? Were you born with a vagina? Did you also grow a pair of tits at some point in your teenage years? If the answer is yes, then you're a chick. If instead you've had a cock and balls since the day you were born, then you're a dude.

Got it? Good.

Now, some people might not feel like they were born in the right body, and hell, that's okay, I ain't judging. It happens. That's called being transgender, and that's okay. Really. Seriously. It is. In fact, it's okay to be whatever you want to be. That's called being human and the last time I checked, all humans were pretty fucked up in one way or another. Live and let live is what I say. Hell, back in my last hometown there was a trans woman who was hot as fuck. I mean seriously hot! Jeez, I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but she was so hot even I'd consider sucking her cock, assuming she hadn't had it lopped off in a gender reassignment surgical procedure, in which case she'd just be like a regular chick, except super-hot without being bitchy and annoying.

But now that the Supreme Court has figured it all out from a legal definition standpoint, we've now got to worry about which toilet everyone is allowed to go to. You know the senario: you're at the pub, need to take a leak, but goddamnit, you've just had your cock surgically removed and are trying to fit in with all the women-folks. Which toilet do you use? Now, I'm sure we're going to debate in the media about this for the next ten or twenty years, but there's really only two options here: either you make a third toilet for the transgender people, or we all just grow the hell up and have unisex toilets. Is it really that difficult? What are the different sexes doing in there that requires them to have seperate toilets? Last I checked toilets were created to take a piss or have a dump in, maybe powder your nose if you're a girl, have a sneaky puff of your vape, or write some witty graffiti on the toilet wall: "John Wayne woz here" followed by "The hell I was!" That kinda shit.

Twenty years ago there was a fancy pub down the road from me that had a unisex toilet. It all seemed a bit too radical and forward thinking at the time, but once you got used to it, it was just a regular bog where you went to bleed the lizard or take a shit if you really had to (nobody likes going for a crap anywhere other than in their own toilet). In short: it was no big deal.

My point?

This is a non-story. An issue created by the powers that be to keep you distracted from the real news and the matters they don't want to confront or discuss. Like how Nazi Jews are now an actual thing (Zionism), and how no-one wants to criticise them out of fear of being labeled "antisemitic" even if these evil fucks are killing kids on a daily basis and starving & bombing an entire population.

So, spare me your First World toilet dilemma problem and lets talk about the value of life rather than its diversity, both of which I think is something to be respected rather than feared.

"But what about prisons? Where do all the trans criminals go?"

Erm, it's a prison. It's not meant to be nice. Try stay out of prison. Have you seen Prisoner: Cell Block H? Fuck being banged up with any of those chicks, regardless of which gender you identify as.

"But what about trans athletes? Where do they go?"

Simple, give them their own category. Hell, we have paralympics for people with missing limbs and shit, so why not have a translympics for people with missing cocks (or pretend ones or whatever... however it works)?
 

10.04.2025
Donald Gump Shits His Pants

"It was the plan all along," said President Gump, "to totally shit myself in the face of pressure, at home and internationally, and rollback probably the greatest worst tariff plan in the history of mankind." Looking somewhat dishevelled he went on, "People were getting a little bit yippy, so I cut them a break... you wouldn't believe how good a break that is. Anyway, I'm a strong alpha man so I've decided to piss off China by giving them an 125% tariff... terrible country that created that China Virus. Stopped me in my first term from doing really tremendous things... it would have been so tremendous, you wouldn't believe how tremendous it would have been without the Kung Flu."

Fuckin' idiot!
 

13.03.2025
The Worst Radio Station On The Planet

I've been monkeying about with radios recently - mainly scanning the shortwave bands for obscure broadcasts from far-flung regions of the planet. It's a bizarre hobby, I know, but it kills a few hours and can be quite therapeutic in these troubled times of depressing news overload.

I've also been monkeying about with internet radio quite a bit too, having downloaded a piece of software called 'Tuner' (for Linux) that not only allows you to stream your favourite stations from all over the globe, but presents you with a new random selection every day for your consideration and listening pleasure.

This is how I discovered the worst radio station on the planet and promptly saved it to my favourites. It's called Adroit Jazz Underground and I'm convinced it will one day come in handy if I need to get rid of guests who have overstayed their welcome.

Quite how anybody can listen to this shite is beyond me, but I find myself tuning in just to see if there is actually a piece of "music" that doesn't sound like 15 deranged lunatics all playing different songs in different timings with different instruments. It's remarkable and unsettling to think that people actually enjoy this crap, but hey, it's a strange world as is becoming more self-evident every day. Perhaps they listen to it for the same reason I do: curious bemusement.
 

05.03.2025
Meet Agent Krasnov

Whether the rumours are true or false about Trump being recruited as a Russian asset back in the 1980s (a matter that cannot be independently verified without access to internal Russian intelligence documents) I think we can now safely assume that he has, at the very least, been completely compromised.

As world leaders scramble to kowtow to this unhinged egotistical orange abortion, I would suggest it's time to take a leaf out of Justin Trudeau's book and grow a pair of balls.

Basically, America can't be trusted - in fact, I'd suggest it never really could be with it's two party illusion of democracy - and along with it's strategic middle-eastern outpost, Israel, should be regarded by any sane world leader as a pariah on the planet.

Sure, things will get tough and possibly even weird. We'll all probably hurt financially, but there is no other option. Like an aggressive cancer intent on wiping itself out along with its host, Agent Krasnov is taking us down a path of no return.

Let's be clear, absolutely everything he does is completely and utterly retarded, and so if Trump likes walls, it's time to wall the fucker in.
 

28.02.2025
Behold! The Golden Letter!

Was kinda funny watching Keir present Donald with the 'Golden Letter' yesterday. Clearly some kind of strategy had been devised between Sir Keir and King Chuckie to appeal to Trump's ego. Personally, I was hoping that when Starmer reached into his inside jacket pocket he'd quickly whip out a righteous middle finder accompanied with the words "Go Fuck Youself", but alas, my desire for anarchy and chaos was not to be. Sad really. A big middle finger to Trump might have been enough for Labour to get my next vote instead of me sticking with my usual Scottish independence stance.
 

26.02.2025
Breaking News!

Donald Trump Says... **Fill In Outlandish Pish Here**
 

23.02.2025
RSS Revival

So I've been using RSS a lot again recently. With the fragmentation of social media I suspect Really Simple Syndication is making a giant comeback (I've noticed a lot of websites providing an RSS link again as it really is the best way to consume the news and subjects that interest you).

Of course, social media was never going to be the long term answer. What started out as a convenient way for most people to centralise who and what they followed, the use of algorithms and advertising sounded its inevitable death knell as users discovered that there was very little left remaining in their feeds other than targeted advertising and suggested interests.

Re-enter RSS.

The best reader, in my opinion (well, for Android anyway) is 'Feeder' by the developer Space Cowboy (if you're sensible and use F-Droid and/or GitHub) and under NoNonsenseApps (if you're an idiot and still use the Google Play Store).

'Feeder' is completely free and open source, regardless of where you choose to download it from, and is continuously going through version updates that tweak and refine the user experience with new features and minor bug fixes.

I am still looking for a suitable desktop reader, however, as I want to be able to sync the read status of articles the same way I sync my podcast listening status using the Nextcloud Gpoddersync between 'AntennaPod' and 'Kasts' (so if any of you have a suggestion of what to use on the desktop alongside 'Feeder' on my phone, please get in touch and let me know).

Anyway, with all that being said, I decided to reintroduce RSS to this website, so if you want updates on new content appearing in Terminals 1 and 2, scroll to the bottom of the page, click on the orange icon and import the URL into your preferred reader.

Sometimes, however, it's not easy to tell if one of your favourite websites supports RSS, so to solve that problem I suggest installing the Firefox extension 'Awesome RSS' which puts an RSS/Atom subscribe button back in the URL bar.

Welcome back to a more distraction free internet!
 

21.02.2025
Whining Zionists See Antisemitism Everywhere

And off they go, crying wolf again, this time about a recent BBC documentary explaining the suffering of the people in Gaza. The culprit? A thirteen year old English speaking Palestinian kid called Abdullah whose father - a British educated former chemistry teacher - happens to be the Deputy Minister of Agriculture in Gaza. Apparently, and according to 45 prominent whining Jewish journalists (as well as Israel's fuckwit ambassador to London), this career in the field of crop cultivation, livestock and fishing makes him a "senior terrorist leader" and therefore his thirteen year old son - who narrated the BBC Documentary Gaza: How To Survive A Warzone - must be a terrorist also.

Personally, I think after 467 days of constant bombardment where at least 1 out of every 50 people in Gaza has been slaughtered, I'd be surprised if the local Khan Younis postman isn't now a senior terrorist leader... and who the hell could blame him?

I think most sensibly minded people (i.e. those of us who haven't had our brains washed with ZioNazi ideology) now know exactly who the terrorists are in this shameful blemish on human history, and it sure ain't Abdullah or his former high school teaching dad.
 

20.02.2025
When I Met Rogan & Why He Champions Trump

I met Joe Rogan briefly in L.A. back in 2003 when Doug Stanhope invited me out to his wonderfully decadent desert party. They were both hosting The Man Show at the time and we went out to the studio cos Doug had a couple of things to wrap up before we took off to Panamint Springs.

Rogan was sitting at a computer that he barely looked up from. I took an instant dislike to his dismissiveness. I don't get starstruck easily and back then he was hardly the celebrity he is now (me being from Scotland I only knew him as some comedian guy that I personally never found that funny). Something about his demeanour pissed me right off.

I've always been the kind of person that goes with gut instinct when I meet someone for the first time (it's served me well over the years) and my gut told me this guy was a dick. To me, he seemed to come across as having a sense of entitlement.

It was a very brief encounter and introduction, but I never forgot it and haven't been too surprised by the level of fame he has achieved. He came across as someone very focussed and driven on making it big at any cost. I guess we now all see the cost. There was a sweet spot a few years ago when his interviews were good and entertaining but now it's just him repeating himself all the time and getting the same guests on like his CIA handler Mike Baker (oh look, this fucker is actually back on his show again today).

Here's the bottom line folks: there's undoubtedly a political agenda to Joe Rogan's podcast and he's clearly been bought and paid for many times over. Basically, he kowtows to Trump, Vance and the likes of tech bros Musk and Zuck because ultimately there's something in it for him.
 

19.02.2025
Selective Speech Absolutism

So it's not really free speech, is it Donald? It's selective speech. I mean, it's free if it's the kind of speech Trump wants to hear, but if it's not then he fucking bans it.

Trump is a goddamned moron! The Associated Press refuses to call the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America and he bans them from the Oval Office and Air Force One. What kind of horseshit is that? What kind of "free speech absolutist" is he?

Basically it's a case of "I don't like it so the toys are getting thrown out of the pram."

I feel a dump coming on. I think I'll go to one of the nearest Trump golf courses (I believe that'll be in Aberdeen, but I'll check it out online first) and I'll take a shit in every one of the 18 holes on his crappy golf course. A week should do it. I reckon I could squeeze out 18 shits in a week with the right dietary choices, and I'll set up camp in a different bunker every night and litter each bunker with beer cans and Rustler's cheeseburger wrappers.

I'll live like a pig for a week and feel like a king for a lifetime. Hell, I may even bring my dog along on the trip. He loves shitting in sand and on grass. Then I'll rename Trump's golf course "The Golf of Shit".
 

15.02.2025
What's In A Name, JD?

Here at 'Bumpkin Watch' our investigative journalist team have uncovered the real reason why weirdy-trimmed-beardy JD Vance uses his initials rather than either of his actual forenames. At first we just assumed it was some kind of a hillbilly thing like being called Gomer, Cletus or Booger, but it actually turns out it's because his real name is even more shit than any of those.

Vance, whose parents were siblings, was actually christened Jebediah Doofus on August 3rd, 1984 by his mentally ill mother, Trixie-Bob, at the Middletown Confessional Calvinist Church, Ohio after she escaped from the local mental institute with the one day old nipper.

His father, Goober Charles Jnr (renowned crystal meth manufacturer and three time near miss KKK Grand Wizard) passed away eight months earlier in what has only been described in the local 'Middletown Gazette' as "a freak washing machine accident". According to sources, Goober, "was at the local laundromat" and "got his frayed neckerchief caught in the machine's drive belt during its spin cycle". Apparently he had been "raking for loose change through a removed rear panel".

Initially christened with the surname Bomen, his mother changed it to Reynolds when she married her sixth husband and uncle, Herschel Beauregard "Burt" Reynolds III.

Quite where he got the surname Vance from has remained a mystery for many years, however, having recently tracked down his old juvenile detention buddy Virgil Buford, we can confirm that he adopted it from the famous UK Radio One disc jockey and heavy metal enthusiast, Tommy Vance, whom JD had become enamoured with during his early years. Sources have disclosed that he used to tune in to his step father's portable shortwave radio every Friday night during Uncle Herschel's weekly weekend "fishing" trips, although Buford did remark that "the only fishing Ol' Burt ever got up to was for some well worn pussy."

"I can't believe he's got to where he is today," Buford added, "to start from such humble beginnings and end up third in command of the country under Elon is one hellava achievement."